Today was the first regular phone call your doctor allowed. I wish I had all the answers that you want to hear. I wish I could easily believe that everything you are telling me is the truth that you are not spinning the tales you think I want to hear.
I would be happy to bring you home if I could be confident it was not the precursor to another nightmare. Trust issues I think I heard you say the last time we brought you home referring that your father and I had them. Yes, we do.
I wish I didn’t feel that I was doing this alone. You father leaves most of the work to me and when it falls it’s on my head. When I asked him to talk to you though I had no idea what would come out of his mouth. I was as shocked by it as perhaps you were. Were you shock by his lack of emotion. That he had downgraded you from his daughter to just another, any other person? That putting you into treatment was an act of humanity, not of love?
I don’t know what to say to your pleas to bring you home. There many places where I can make the decision by myself, this is not one of them. If I believe you and I’m wrong I am not only the one responsible for the damages you do, I am risking your life. Besides, I believed in your words once already this year and I was wrong. Should I do it again? Should I trust myself? Should I trust you?
I understand you wanting not to be on any medication, I understand that the medicine is making you feel bad. You still need to work within the system of recovery. I don’t have all the answers, I do not know why they have prescribed all these medicines nor can I judge whether you have progressed enough to be off of them. I do not know the side effects of just stopping cold from taking them. Do you?
I was not there when you told your therapist that you would not take these medicines anymore. I do not know if you were adamant, arrogant, or what attitude you displayed toward them. I know what my gut tells me. My gut tells me they want you to take the medication, they thought telling you that they would ask me to take you home would make you understand how serious it is. They were wrong.
All I want is you to be healthy and normal. Not running from house to house looking for your next high, sleeping with whomever, taking risks with your life to get there. Deal with your recovery. Have faith in the process of recovery. Have faith that you will come home again. Have faith that HE will make you whole again. We love you.